Admitting Series
by Miz Thang
Summary: When Angel doesn't want to admit the truth, things get a bit out of hand. Edited as of November 2, 2005 to only be four longer installments. SpikeAngel. Edited on November 13, 2006 for the last time.
1. Love and Types

**Title: **Admitting Series: Love; Types (1)  
**Author:** Miz Thang  
**Characters/Pairing: **Angel, Spike, Angel/Spike  
**Rating:** FRM / R  
**Word Count:** 828  
**Warnings:** Angst. Melodrama. Slash. Romance. Fluff

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but the little story's idea. Everything else belongs to who it belongs to.  
**Summary**Angel won't admit any feelings for Spike. Spike admits that he can't act like Angel.

**Author's Note:** If you're tuning in after November 2, 2005, then you should know that I've combined the ficlets, so that there are four longer parts instead of eight supremely short ones. It just didn't sit well with me before. Each part has an Angel pov and a Spike pov. Enjoy! As of June 20, 2006, the story has been completely edited.

**Love; Types**

Spike's different from others, he knows. He's kind of tall, not near his height, but almost. His skin is pale. Paler than most and Angel thinks he likes that. He's all angular and muscles beneath his clothes. Angel thinks he's perfect.

He has this one side he constantly shows off. He's snarky, he's rude. He has no problem insulting Angel on a day to day basis as if it didn't faze him. He doesn't blink an eye at authority, which means Angel doesn't affect him in the slightest. He can even be charming, especially to Fred, and sometimes to Harmony. Angel thinks that if Fred didn't know what he was doing, she'd be in love, like Harmony is, like…but Angel didn't love him.

But, he does have another side. He has another side that Angel has rarely seen. The dreamer; he's been gone for a century or so, ever since Angelus ruined his vision of Drusilla and their "destined love." He's the romantic type through and through, under all that garbage he uses during the day. He loves to please the person he's with. He's lucky; it's much easier to please Angel these days.

They have something in common, the two sides to Spike. Both sides are fighters. For good, for love…it made no different. He didn't like to give up. It was almost as if something inside wouldn't let him. On anything. Not even when it'd be healthier for all parties involved to let go. Not even when it was them, Angel and Spike.

But, don't be confused. Angel didn't love him. Angel admired a few of his qualities, a few of his assets; he'll never admit it aloud. Not to Spike, not to anyone. Angel likes to contemplate things. Understand completely from every aspect. And before now, when he has a soul, Angel had never accomplished that with Spike.

But, he loved nothing about Spike. In truth, he despised him. He didn't love those lips, that smirk, or his hands. Not his eyes, or how they seemed to fit perfectly…He didn't love their time together, alone to do whatever they wished, with each other.

Angel saw nothing in Spike. Nothing at all. Not at the office, in front of the others, or alone. He was nothing but release. That was all. And he was pretty sure Spike understood his real meaning. How he really felt beneath it all. No matter how much he felt, at times, that he was just lying and something was there. There really wasn't. There couldn't be.

Because he didn't love him.

-

Angel likes to pretend that the truth is a lie sometimes. He recognizes this. Angel likes to sit behind the chair at his desk in his nice big office and brood… unless someone happens to walk in.

He's taller than Spike, though Spike himself isn't short. He's broader and seems more muscular. His skin is paler and his hair is dark brown. His eyes are too, like dark chocolate. Spike loves him.

Not that he'd admit it. Angel isn't like that. He'd never admit openly that he likes to kiss Spike when no one is looking. He'd never admit that he gets a thrill out of fooling around in his office, when anyone could see and walk in. Angel claims he isn't that type.

Not that type, Spike's ass. Angel is in this place most tend to call Denial, always attempting to pretend that he and Spike have never kissed, that they don't have ridiculous arguments to cover up the fact. That fact that Spike and Angel are together. That Spike loves Angel, and that Angel loves Spike back.

And maybe it's Spike's fault. He won't push it. He's so content that he can just be with Angel that it's as if he's forgotten the life lesson of his last secret relationship-the one with Buffy. He's forgotten that the only thing that can come from it is heartache. Heartache, and pain.

The worst thing about it? Spike doesn't _want_ to love Angel. What he wants is to despise the son of a bitch as much as he claims he does. He wants to hate him with a fiery passion that burns deep within his soul. He wants to not give a damn thing for Angel, like Angel pretends about him.

Mostly, he just wants to hate Angel because Angel has no problem hating him, or pretending to. Especially in front of the others. Angel has no problem attempting to belittle him so the others wouldn't know, wouldn't figure it out or get suspicious. Or, he makes a good show of it. And it bothers Spike, though he always has a quick retort for him.

But Spike doesn't care about that. He just wants to be able to push away his feelings, to pretend they aren't there… But, then again, who is Spike trying to fool?

He's never been one to successfully hide his feelings.

He just isn't that type.


	2. Love Has Limits

**Title: **Admitting Series: Love Has Limits (2)  
**Author:** Miz Thang  
**Characters/Pairing: **Angel, Spike, Angel/Spike  
**Rating:** FRM / R  
**Word Count:** 1331  
**Warnings:** Angst. Melodrama. Slash. Romance. Fluff

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but the little story's idea. Everything else belongs to who it belongs to.  
**Summary**Angel won't admit any feelings for Spike. Spike admits that he can't act like Angel.

**Author's Note:** If you're tuning in after November 2, 2005, then you should know that I've combined the ficlets, so that there are four longer parts instead of eight supremely short ones. It just didn't sit well with me before. Each part has an Angel pov and a Spike pov. Enjoy! As of June 20, 2006, the story has been completely edited.

**Love Has Limits**

Spike is waiting for him when he catches the elevator to his private apartment. Angel doesn't know why, but there he is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes closed. Beautiful, in Angel's opinion.

"You going to stand there and watch me all day?" he asks, opening his eyes to look at Angel. The look he gives is somewhat bleak and Angel has the distinct feeling that Spike isn't in a good mood.

"Did I do something?" Angel asks. He has the tendency to ask Spike that sometimes. He has more mood swings than Darla, and sometimes it really pisses Angel off. Especially when the issue tends to be nothing more than Angel not having cookies in one of his cabinets.

"No." Spike replies. "I was just waiting for you. Can I do that, or is it against the rules?"

Angel doesn't reply to that, taking off his blazer and watching Spike as he flops down onto an Italian leather chair. Spike definitely has a moody air and Angel has decided to wait him out.

Sometimes it's like this. Quiet. Comfortable. It seems as if they are only two friends, enjoying each other's company. An illusion. Sometimes Angel doesn't know if it's one they painted, or one they let everyone else paint for them.

Angel sits forward. "What's really bothering you?" he asks Spike, ready to skip to all the things Spike isn't saying. It's not as if Spike has the patience to wait any longer, and, really, this is for their own good to get It out now.

"What makes you think something's bothering me?" he counters and Angel suddenly wants to strangle him, even if it wouldn't prove productive – because Spike is always doing that, even if he knows he's obvious, always trying to pretend he's fine.

"You're not saying anything." Angel says, and it isn't like it's a keen observation when Spike usually doesn't know when to shut up.

"Maybe there's nothing to say. Ever thought about that, Angel?" Spike's relaxed posture dissipates and he sits forward, within Angel's reaching distance.

"Damn it, Spike. Then what did you even come here for?" Angel asks, aggravated to say the least. Spike dodges their issues instead of talking about it, he skirts around it, as if he's hoping Angel will realize it on his own and fix it. Except Angel didn't see it, and if Spike knew him as well as he thought he did, he wouldn't be beating around the bush.

"I don't even know anymore." Something _is_ bothering Spike; Angel's sure of it as the bleached blond stalks towards the door, his black duster flaring behind him.

Angel suddenly has a change of heart while watching him go and gets off the couch to catch his arm just before he leaves the room. "You know, I wasn't telling you to leave." He's almost disgusted by the way it sounds as if he's worried Spike wouldn't come back.

"Like I'd listen to you anyway," Spike replies, his eyes burning, fiery and swirling. For a moment Angel feels like he's drowning in a pool of blue. Then Spike blinks. He still holds onto Spike's wrist and doesn't let go even when Spike looks down at it before looking back at Angel. Angel's grip unconsciously tightens.

"I know." Angel replies. "Stay."

Spike rolls his eyes, but he lets go of the door knob. Angel almost smiles but doesn't let go of Spike's wrist.

He doesn't admit it. Not that he really knows, or understands, why he doesn't. Well, he does. Maybe he's scared to admit to Spike that he's received a larger part of Angel's heart than he's ready to give, all this time in his life, that Angel thinks about him all day, and that he contemplates every single day telling Spike how he feels. Because Angel really did love him.

-

Spike knocks back the shot glass without a second thought. Yes, he's angry, and he's hurt, _and_ he's pissed. Tonight, he just wants to get drunk enough to fall flat on his face. To fall flat on his face and forget he's ever been foolish enough to thing –

And, as always, it's Angel's fault.

Call Spike anything you want; you can even go so far as to call him a romantic, but he wasn't so in love that he was blind to the fact that the only person really hurting in this situation was him. It's like before, only not, because this wasn't a new situation for him, it was a repeat of another time and Spike knew enough to see the signs this time.

Spike told Angel it was over.

The funny bit, though? The funny part was that Angel had the nerve to ask him _why_. _Why_ did Spike want it to be over? _Why_ can't they just sit and talk it out?

He knocks back another shot glass and wishes it could actually numb him enough, to the point where it didn't hurt.

Spike had laughed at him, when he asked why. Spike laughed at him and said that if Angel really didn't know, it was just another reason for them to be over.

It feels weird though. For once, Spike is the one ending a relationship, not the other way around. He's the one that put his foot down and said he wanted it to be over. Done. Gone. Nothing to come after, because it was the end and finished.

"What did you say to Angel?" Fred asks curiously as she takes the seat beside him.

And it's about time because Spike had known she was there. He'd known since he sat down. She'd followed him to the bar, probably wondering what insanely stupid thing it was this time, only this time, it wasn't stupid. It was serious. It wasn't some debate about something inane (which Spike usually started to get some kind of attention from Angel). It was about their relationship.

"Not really sure what you're asking, Fred."

"Well, Angel locked his office door and he's playing Barry Manilow." Spike visibly winces and Fred knows he understands. "What exactly is going on between you two?"

Because even she knows this isn't the usual macho, testosterone, who's-the-bigger-vampire pissing contest.

"I told him…" Spike trails off, trying to contemplate whether he should spill. But then, he figures, if angel's so worried about his friends finding out, Spike might as well tell the entire world. Served that bastard right. "I told him it was over."

"What was over?" Fred frowns, not yet understanding, yet in some recess of her mind, knowing exactly what he meant.

"Us. Me and him. Dirty little secret that it was." Spike calls the bartender for another drink as Fred makes this face that tells Spike that she caught his train of thought. He nods to himself in satisfaction as he takes his drink from the bartender.

"You should…I think you should talk to him." Fred says, slightly calm, considering.

"No."

"No?"

"No. For the past few bleeding days, weeks, _months_, I've been sitting here hoping against all bleeding hope that he'd finally suck it up and tell me. And do you know when the obvious hit me? Yesterday. Yesterday I was sitting, watching him do his job – and, yeah, annoying him, because that's what I do. And he went on about how I _should_ do something with my time, like always. Then Charlie came in and he acted like I wasn't there. Like I wasn't sitting there. Which is all well and good and nothing new, but it was the _last_ time."

Spike stands, throwing bills down in payment for the drinks. "So, boo hoo for him, but I've had all I can take. Tell him that." He left the bar.

Fred called the bartender over and ordered a drink as she watched Spike leave and she understood perfectly what had happened. Spike had finally reached his limit of what he'd take from Angel.


	3. Angel's Plan

**Title: **Admitting Series: Angel's Plan (3)  
**Author:** Miz Thang  
**Characters/Pairing: **Angel, Spike, Angel/Spike  
**Rating:** FRM  
**Word Count:** 1139  
**Warnings:** Angst. Melodrama. Slash. Romance. Fluff

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but the little story's idea. Everything else belongs to who it belongs to.  
**Summary**Angel won't admit any feelings for Spike. Spike admits that he can't act like Angel.

**Author's Note:** If you're tuning in after November 2, 2005, then you should know that I've combined the ficlets, so that there are four longer parts instead of eight supremely short ones. It just didn't sit well with me before. Each part has an Angel pov and a Spike pov. Enjoy! As of June 20, 2006, the story has been completely edited.

**Angel's Plan**

Fred sighs as she walks over to the door to Angel's office. She had caught up with Spike. There was an argument. She knows this much. Hell, the entire floor knows this much. And, as usual with an argument between Spike and Angel, Spike stormed out of the office, muttering about getting drunk. Then she watched as Angel slammed his door, locked it, closed the blinds, and then the disturbing notes of Barry Manilow floated to Fred, Gunn, Wesley, Lorne and Harmony.

So, Fred went to be the mediator, because no one else would do it, and the last thing they needed while in the belly of the beast was a fight, only she finds something she'd rather not have known. Spike and Angel had a sexual relationship. A secret one. And, like all secrets, it ruined things and come out into the open.

Luckily for her, the door isn't locked, but Barry Manilow is still singing about Mandy when she walks into the dark room. The sun has long ago set and the moon casts and eerie glow across the office the dark-haired vampire that is laid out on his hardwood desk, obviously miserable.

"Angel?"

"You went after him?" he asks, looking up at her. He picked up a sheet of paper, marked with unreadable text. "I made a list."

"He said he had all he could take, Angel."

"Of what?"

"_If you don't know, then maybe it's good for me to leave."_

"Of you. And whatever it is you're not telling him." Fred replies.

He looks at her for the longest time and, maybe to see if she's disapproving of his choices. But she isn't. Her face is open and she's truly trying to help everything be right again.

His face is pleading. "What am I supposed to do?" He asks.

"Well, for starters, you could try explaining to me why we missed something like this, something this big – why did you think it should be a secret?"

Angel's hands cover his face and he takes a large, unneeded breath. "Fred."

"_Spike, just tell me why this is over."_

"_I already told you why. Because you don't even know. So, how 'bout you let go of me and bugger off."_

"I… I love Spike. And I never told him. Maybe I needed to tell him? I don't know. I just know he isn't here. And that's my fault. He's not here because I wouldn't let myself tell him. I was afraid to admit that it was more than just falling back into bad habits, afraid to admit that he meant anything to me. So I lied, and I didn't tell him, didn't prove it to him… and lost him."

"But you want him back." Fred says, a small smile forming on her face.

"Yes."

Fred nods. "So, do you need help?"

Angel looks at her in surprise, but the look slowly gives way to that of a sly half-grin. With Fred's help, Angel was going to try to get Spike back.

-

Spike's miserable. He misses Angel. But he's not going to say so. He has to be strong because he's the dumper, not the dumpee. But still, despite all of this, he's miserable.

For once in his existence, he had the sense to end it first. And he should be glad, but he isn't. Not in the least bit.

"Why the long face?" Fred asks, taking a seat beside him in the conference room. There's a meeting and unfortunately for him, he has to be there. He has to because he's supposed to help Wesley out some project or another. Right across from a sleepless looking Angel. Great. At least Fred whispers her question.

"There is no long face." He mutters, intently looking at his fingernails and wondering for a moment why he doesn't paint them black anymore. He liked them black.

"Okay. No long face. So, uh, after this, you wanna go out maybe? Get a drink or two? Relax." Fred asks. She's trying to help Angel and Spike, and thank God that Spike isn't noticing. If he notices, everything is shot to hell and then he'll let himself be miserable forever.

"Not like I've got anything better to do." Spike replies with a shrug and then pretend to tune in to the meeting. But he can't. He spend the entire time wondering if Angel can't sleep without him anymore (because Spike can't sleep without Angel now), and then thinking that it's what Angel deserves (but missing him terribly because he's miserable and being worse off for it). And then he wonders why Angel isn't at least trying to win him back (maybe Angel really hadn't love him). And he feels hurt, and then angry (because he felt hurt). It's a cycle.

The meeting doesn't take as long as he'd thought it would – not that he notices because he watched Angel the entire duration, looking for signs – and he and Fred are on their way to the nearest bar. He would really love it if he could get pissed drunk once. Maybe that would get Angel's miserable-looking face out of his mind's eye. Or maybe he could forget about Angel completely.

"So, um…talked to Angel lately?" Fred ventures.

"Too busy avoiding him to have a conversation. On purpose." He adds for good measure.

"Caught that." Fred replies. Companionable silence ensues.

"And, besides," Spike starts. "What would I say? 'Are you miserable, because I hope you are even though I hope you aren't'?"

Fred doesn't reply to that, instead asking, "What would be your perfect night out?

"Getting plastered." He replies smartly. He doesn't want to given the question an actual answer. He's afraid he might make himself even more miserable, because he's been hoping for months about getting that kind of night from Angel. Good thing Angel proved to him just what they were to each other. Nothing. Absolutely, positively.

"Well, it you're not serious, I'll tell you mine. It'd have to Wesley as my date. Yes, Wesley." She says at the side glance Spike gives her. He shrugs and Fred continues, "We'd go to a nice restaurant. Pricey 'cause I think Wes can manage that. We'd dance and dine the night away and stop by a café on the way home for coffee and dessert. Then he'd take me home, trying to be the perfect gentlemen-which he of course is, when I pull him inside for – "

"Got your point, love." Spike says bitterly. Fred isn't making him feel any better, she notices almost immediately.

"So, share."

"No."

"_Share_." Fred insists. She grins. "I won't tell, I swear. Especially not Angel – because that's what you're worried about. Admit it."

Spike gives her a look and she instantly knows that he's going to tell her everything she needs to know to help Angel win him back.


	4. Everybody Knows

**Title: **Admitting Series: Everybody Knows (4)  
**Author:** Miz Thang  
**Characters/Pairing: **Angel, Spike, Angel/Spike  
**Rating:** FRM  
**Word Count:** 1091  
**Warnings:** Angst. Melodrama. Slash. Romance. Fluff

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but the little story's idea. Everything else belongs to who it belongs to.  
**Summary**Angel won't admit any feelings for Spike. Spike admits that he can't act like Angel.

**Author's Note:** If you're tuning in after November 2, 2005, then you should know that I've combined the ficlets, so that there are four longer parts instead of eight supremely short ones. It just didn't sit well with me before. Each part has an Angel pov and a Spike pov. Enjoy! As of June 20, 2006, the story has been completely edited.

**Everybody Knows**

Angel admits that getting Fred to go undercover for him was sneaky. He admits that he should have told Spike how he felt in the beginning, instead of waiting until he lost him. He admits that he's nervous as hell and that he hopes Fred's plan works. He admits that he's grateful that Fred decide to help him after finding out, otherwise he'd still be miserable. And tonight, he'll tell Spike how much he loves him and hope for the best.

There's a knock on the door, which Angel finds unusual when you consider who he's expecting, and he goes to open it. Spike's there, hands in his duster, looking every bit uncomfortable. But Angel doesn't really care, because at least Fred managed to get him to come.

"Fred said you had something to talk to me about."

"Oh. I-I did. Come in." Angel wants to hit himself because he feels stupid. But then, maybe that's what love does (he hasn't felt so uncomfortable and out-of-sorts since Buffy). He closes the door behind Spike and turns around as Spike notices the arrangements made to the office.

"_He said that he likes candlelit places. You know, almost like a dark, romantic restaurant. Lots and lots of candles, Angel, all over."_

Spike freezes and turns to look at him. "What is this, Angel?"

"Your perfect night." Angel replies.

"_Now, he didn't say that he would imagine the office, but since this is the vibe I was getting, I think we should do this there. In your office. After hours."_

Spike turns away from Angel and roams the office, shaking his head. Angel is right behind him, trying to guess his reaction as he enters the conference room and spots the other arrangements. Angel would say what they were, but he likes the look of surprise on Spike's face, and the look he gets after-he'd like to keep everything involving it to himself. "I, uh, got these for you. Fred, she told me-"

"_Angel, guarantee you. If you do this right, you won't even touch any of the extras. Not that I'll think you'll eat it anyway, you might drink the wine, but…"_

Spike kisses him. Angel didn't see it coming, and it happened so fast when Spike turned to face him. There had been something in his eyes and Angel hurried to explain, only for Spike's lips to be on his.

Not that Angel's complaining. He doesn't care why Spike's kissing him. He just knows that he's kissing him and that he's back. And Angel doesn't want to let him go ever again.

He pulls away, only to look into clear blue eyes and say, "I should've told you this a long time ago. Now I don't know why I didn't say it earlier. But…I love you."

"Nice to know." Spike replies. He sees Angel's frown. "I knew. I just needed to hear you say it."

"Oh," Angel then gives Spike a small grin. "So why are we still talking then?"

"Don't rightly know. You're the one that tends to jabber on and on about-"

Angel cuts him off, silencing him with his lips in a sweet kiss.

-

It's starting to be a pattern. After Lorne's first little party-slash-mixer turned out to be a disaster, Spike had decided that he needed to spend every mixer after that one attempting to be completely plastered, or unnoticeable. By anyone. Tonight is no different.

And he's doing the greatest job of it so far. No one's noticed but Angel and Fred. He's grateful for that, because he just wants to be ignored right now. Tonight, the last thing he wants is to be is the center of attention.

Angel's not trying to pretend he hates Spike. And maybe that's a start. It's a start because the others, everyone except Fred that is, are starting to take notice that there's this civility in the air when Spike and Angel are in the same room. Of course there's tension, but Fred always jokes that it's sexual tension, at least to Angel and Spike. A good kind of tension, in her opinion.

"Are we being a wall flower?" Fred asks cheerfully as she takes a seat beside him.

"Shouldn't you be somewhere with Percy, trying to coax him into taking you on your _dream date_?" He adds emphasis on the last two words, knowing that she told Angel about his in order to help them make up.

"I would, but he and Knox are arguing. For once, I'm finding you and Angel more interesting than science." Fred gushes with a smile.

"Glad I can be of entertainment." Spike remarks dryly. He takes another gulp of his beer. "Where's Angel anyway?"

"Staying away from Lorne and Eve." She replies. "Other than that, he said something about making sure everybody knew something."

"Why am I suddenly worried?"

"Because it's Angel. And he has a plan." She surveys the crowd. "You should mingle-"

"I don't mingle."

"You're like the first…guy?...or something."

"Fred, do me a favor and find Wesley."

"But-"

"Push off."

"I'm still happy you two worked it out," she says, giving him a hug and two thumbs up before leaving.

He wants to go and get more alcohol, but that involves actually leaving. He's not ready to do that so he settles for sitting there empty handed, watching everyone else have fun.

"I can't wait until this is over. Who let's Lorne have these anyway?" Angel asks, taking the seat Fred vacated, two beers in hand. He hands one to Spike.

"Thanks." Spike gives Angel a sideways look. "I think that would be you signing the forms, Angel."

"Right." Silence lapses. "I had a plan for tonight."

"Did you?" Spike downs the contents of the bottle. "Am I supposed to like it?"

"I was hoping you would. It's this." Angel leans forward to kiss Spike. Only they're in public. In front of everyone. And at that exact moment, Lorne's talking about Angel to the crowd. This also means that the hideous spotlight that Lorne insisted on having is on them (where the hell it came from, Spike doesn't know, but it's in his damn eyes).

Angel pulls back and smiles a bit, and suddenly Spike couldn't give a damn about the light in his eyes. So only Spike can hear, he says, "I wanted to prove to you that I didn't care who knew."

"So you made sure _everyone_ knew?" Spike asks incredulously.

"Yeah. Bad idea?"

Spike reaches for Angel's beer and takes a sip. "One of your best."

**End series.**


End file.
